Navigating Emotional Barriers to Genuine Connection

This episode explores the intricate dance of love, codependency, and self-worth, encouraging listeners to challenge their limiting beliefs and embrace vulnerability. The conversation shines light on the importance of emotional release and fostering supportive relationships in our healing journeys.

• Overcoming self-judgment and obsessive thinking patterns 
• The significance of cuddling after intimacy for relationship health 
• Navigating anxiety and processing emotions through movement 
• The impact of upbringing on self-worth and caregiving roles 
• Letting go of trapped emotions and inviting emotional freedom 
• Building community and supportive relationships for growth 

Chapters

• 0:02 Healing Love and Codependency Journey
• 17:16 Opening Up to Love and Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hi, this is Elizabeth Angelica, and you're listening to the good, the bad and the sexy, where I'm going to be spilling all the intimate aspects on my journey of healing love, addiction, codependency and scarcity, and how I'm manifesting new romantic partnership and creating sovereign abundance. All this through the wild and wonderful lens of conscious transformation, energy medicine. Through the wild and wonderful lens of conscious transformation, energy medicine, non-dual spiritual magic and my orgasmic alchemy practices. All right, here we go. Hey, babe, I have been in such a mood the last couple of days. I think it is so much self-judgment about this podcast and what I'm saying, or what I'm not saying, or how how I'm saying it. I this week was journaling on my phone, trying to make like bullet point journaling, but it turned into I love writing, so they turned out to be very long. And then I, I love writing, so they turned out to be very long, and then I wasn't saying those things in the way that I wrote them. So I was being harsh on myself and I have this fear of repeating myself, which now that I say, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned at least once before. Um, so please forgive me for repeating myself. I think that there's a right like we become. We become these people with these very specific grooves in our brain. We think the same things over and over, and you know, like I said on the last show, that I've been basically obsessed with love and relationships and energy medicine for a very long time, and there have been times in my life where I kept thinking the same things so much that what I was thinking about was so limited, so condensed into one topic, specifically getting married, that I was boring myself. I was like I I need more variety in my thoughts. This is not only is it torturous, because that was not the experience I was having. That was, you know, I wanted it so badly and I and it wasn't being created. But when you're sharing that with other people and that's like all you have to talk about, it made me feel like there was definitely a I'm not enough thing because I don't have enough things to say and I'm boring. And who would want to be in relationship with me when I only have this one thing to talk about, which my sisters, if they were here on this in this conversation, would remind me that it is ADHD that makes my brain work in this hyper-focus way. So there's that. So there's that I'm sure you have your own hyper focus and your own you know, things that you think over and over and over. Hopefully we can change these things we think over and over and over to be, you know, have some more. The word I want to say is bandwidth, like expand our bandwidth so there can be more potential for these things to come into our lives in different ways. And it was just more fun to have more variety in your head, like, oh my God, I was going to say it's more fun to have more variety in your romantic partners, but that's too much fun for me.

Speaker 1: 4:13

I have this feeling on occasion, like I just left a static dance and I was thinking I was feeling in such an icky way on the the drive over my bad mood started. I was doing okay before that, but all this stuff was coming up to me, felt out and danced out Right before I opened the door. I was like wondering if, if I am good for anything other than taking care of someone else other than taking care of someone else, am I good at anything other than being like a housewife? And so I was. I was feeling how painful that belief system is in me, so I was like cry dancing and I don't know if I got it all out. I still feel really sticky, um, and I didn't dance with anyone else today and that didn't help my mood. But what I was happening in my head was like if I could just go fuck someone else, then I wouldn't be feeling this and everything would be okay. Like there's this teensy little part of me that wants to use sex as a avoidance tactic. But I don't want to be sleeping with a lot of people, I really just want to be sleeping with my person, be sleeping with a lot of people. I really just want to be sleeping with my person.

Speaker 1: 5:48

And even when my former shag buddy texted me the other day to get together, I was not interested. Just the other day I'm reading um, what, oh? I left the book upstairs. It's Emily Nagoski's new book come together, and she said that the greatest from her research, the greatest determining factor of having a happy, healthy romantic partnership, isn't how much sex you're having or how great the sex is. It is the time that you spend together after you make love.

Speaker 1: 6:34

It's the cuddling and the connection and that person that I was sleeping with the last time we were together, as soon as he came, he jumped out of bed and went to take a shower and I was left feeling my nervous system was so raw, so on edge and uncomfortable, and I knew I just needed a little bit of cuddling and I did not yet have this love seat so that afterwards I could be like, hey, come wrap yourself around me, give me like five minutes so I can simmer down. And so it was at that point where I was just like nope, done with this person and I think, even if I did have him back over and we did cuddle afterwards like we don't have anything to talk about, he's more than 10 years younger than me and I think his anxiety is just too much for my system. I got my own anxiety, although I was telling someone night before last we were talking about the study of emotions, and I have noticed that when I feel anxious, I really just need a big good cry. It's just a build up of tension that I need to cry out. That anxiety comes right out my eyeballs, and so where am I going with this?

Speaker 1: 8:21

What did I actually want to say? Aha, um, what did I actually want to say? Aha, so walking into dance, feeling this, do I have the capacity to create the success I desire? Or am I only meant to be in this teeny tiny caretaker role, letting someone be in charge of my life because he's the one that makes money? I take care of of him, so he'll pay me, you know, fund my life and that is so, so, so not what I desire. I mean, obviously there's parts of me that that is I don't. That is what is known as women. It's been like what a hundred years that we've been allowed to open bank accounts on our own. It's not in our DNA so much yet that we can go out into the world and create success and create our own money and do what we want with our lives.

Speaker 1: 9:27

So part of me thinks that the safe thing to do is to be in that codependent relationship. I will, I will, you know, do the housework and I will, I will. The feeling is I will not just take care of you, I will bolster your self-confidence. With the wasband I had this thing that was like give me all your problems. Clearly you cannot handle it yourself. I know, as a shaman, I can work with that. I can hold that for you, and you know that's my job is to take on all of your drama, drama, abuse, so that you will take care of me. That's what I saw. I don't know if I would call my mother codependent, but I saw her give up her career to be the mother, housewife, supporter of my dad's career, of my dad's career, right. We moved every summer, every other summer, so her job was to take care of all that, do all the unpacking and with that, that sort of martyr, self-sacrifice, caretaker energy. That's what I know. I definitely would not be happy in that situation again and clearly my soul is not going to let that happen until I sort this all out. And in the last show I said I'm not going to. I don't have time to be in relationship with an addict again.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I wasn't choosing addicts from a healthy place, I was. I'm magnetically drawn to them because I'm holding this codependency energy and that is what I, that's what I believed was safe, that's what I believed I deserved. That's the level that I was resonating at. Addicts are safe. I know that. I know that someone with an addictive personality is survivable. My subconscious has not yet learned that a good man who is healthy and who will honor me, respect me, appreciate me in the way that I need. I don't know that's safe. I don't know that that is survivable. So what? What are we gonna do about that?

Speaker 1: 12:40

I have been spending a lot of time imagining myself growing up again, growing up in different environments. Environments where the people are loving, where we do things that are fun, where I'm paid attention to my favorite, because I have felt so alone my whole life partly. You know environment and and how that programmed me to not feel that being with people was safe. I lost my train. I missed my train. Maybe this is why I should be doing this as an audio, so I could pause it and I could go back and I could listen to it. But I feel like if I make this show only audio, then I'm missing a huge audience.

Speaker 1: 13:40

And I really do enjoy looking at myself. One of those things, right, people want to give you a compliment, will tell me I'm attractive. I'm like yeah, I know I'm attractive. Tell me I'm smart. Tell me I'm funny. Tell me I'm clever. Tell me I'm intelligent. Tell me I'm capable. That's what I want. I want to know that I'm capable, although I find myself telling myself all the time that I'm a good girl. Like you're such a good girl, I guess I didn't get any of that when I was little, so we give ourselves that now.

Speaker 1: 14:32

Oh, I was talking about being my little girl body and I have this extended family. I started with the family from my big fat Greek wedding because there are so many people always at the house, so many people and everybody's business, so many people loving and caring about the main character, whoo, and I loved that idea. I, that big extended family. I was spending a lot of time as a zero to three years old in that environment with all those people. Having that many people to spend time with and read me bedtime stories and just be with is extending my own family. Just be with is extending my own family. Imagining bringing into this new household with my parents, and I think I like creating some imaginary people, like I've given my mom some sisters, so her sisters are there with their kids and, um, you know, just more loving, social, connected family, having friends over and the friends have kids, and it feels like it has given me, not all the time, but increasingly, a sense of stability, a sense of maybe not stability, a sense of support that if that, if I do something and it doesn't work out like I do these workshops and and it's a failure that I have people that I can fall back on, that if something, if something actually bad happens that there's people there to fall back on, to support me, people who give a shit and not knowing that in real life yet has kept me from letting people into my life. You know why would you let people into your life if they treat you the way that you're used to be treated? That's not safe.

Speaker 1: 17:16

I was at contact improv the other day, this dance where you're in physical contact with someone in an improvisational way, which every I go. I think this is so bizarre and so fantastic. I have a moment of being an outsider and someone seeing this group of people all swirling within one another and rolling around with one another and we look maybe a little bizarre. I think so many times it looks really, really beautiful and I was so scared of doing it. It and I've made a commitment to go consistently so that I can learn it's okay to touch people. So I'm at contact improv, we're at the beginning of the jam and we're all in this ensemble like everyone is touching and swirling around one another and I was having such a panic attack, thinking like I need to leave, I can't be here, and I I knew it was something I just needed to feel through, because I really do want to be there. I really, I know that I need touch. I can't just be like rubbing the cats on my face. They don't, they don't want that. I need actual skin to skin. So I was getting that, but it was so scary. And then I ended up in a duet with a guy I occasionally call my dopamine survival kit. It will be at one dance or another and have really long, lovely embraces and he's such good medicine for me.

Speaker 1: 19:09

I was feeling this, just this discomfort, this pain in my heart, a feeling how I do not let myself receive other love. And what is money? But the universe loving you, so it's all intertwined. I see it, I get it. Money comes from people. In most cases, you have to have these relationships with people so they'll pay you. So I feel like this, like plug in my heart and I, you know, I'm thinking that I should just switch my thinking and I should just, you know, let all of this affection and this love in. But that was not where I was at. I had to feel this pain of how long and how severely I have held this wall up, and I don't know if I mentioned before or not.

Speaker 1: 20:21

I was at dance a few weeks ago and there was a guy had one date with and then he did not call me for days, although he said to someone else that he knew he was going to get married this year. I have some avoidant attachment stuff and he really, really does and I so I saw him across the room and what came to me was like I want someone who will let someone love them, and this person cannot let people love him. And how much of what I was seeing in him is true for me. Today, the last few days, um, and today, the last few days, I'm recognizing that that was, you know, such a mirror for me. I want a man who can let me love him and I need to let him love me. I need to let other people in the world love me and let myself start feeling like it's safe Not just safe to be loved exactly, but safe to depend on other people, to believe that there are people there to depend on, and it doesn't all have to codependent belief system of I will take care of you, but I can't let you take care of me.

Speaker 1: 22:34

The wasman and I were in a coaching session and our coach noticed this and said did I think I could let him make me a sandwich? Could I let him make me a sandwich without being in complete control of the situation? I remember I remember him making me a sandwich, I guess, you know, one day, relatively soon after that, and it was so uncomfortable. I think that it has something to do with self-worth, right? I believe that my worth is in taking care of other people, that that that has been the program. That is what, that's what gives me worth, which you know isn't surprising, I guess. My part-time job is caregiving for an elderly man with dementia, and for so many other years in my life it's been nannyingying, and that does make a difference to those people's lives. I have to remind myself that those people touch other people and whatever you're doing is important and ripples out into the world. Though I feel I could do, I could do more and better and and enjoy it more and make more money. You know what? Let's take a big letting all that go, any parts of you that were brought to the surface that are ready to let go from what we've just talked about here.

Speaker 1: 25:19

I've been having these experiences of releasing, where we're holding on to emotions. When emotions are energy in motion, they're meant to be in motion. They're not meant to solidify in our bodies and I'll probably talk more about this later. But we can let them go off to their next divine appointment. They have somewhere else to be. They have someone else to be with. They don't belong to us. Holding onto them is doing that energy of that emotion disservice. It's doing our self disservice. It's creating all the aches and pains and keep us looping in the thought system of the emotion that we've trapped in our body.

Speaker 1: 26:14

So I have sort of I've been seeing emotions like flying out from my belly. They look like like flying out from my belly. They look like parakeets and parrots and all these tropical birds. So everything that was triggered in this conversation, let's let it fly away and it can look like a bird to you. It can look like whatever your beautiful mind comes up with, your beautiful mind comes up with. Let's just see it all releasing, dropping down into the ground. We can hand it up to angels and they can take it to be transmuted whatever your preferred imagining, in whatever way you imagine might be, and what do we want to call in in its place, now that we have made this space? I say sovereignty, calling in the vibrational energy of sovereignty and community of support. Yeah, that feels like the big three for me. If there's anything else for you, call that in. See that arriving, landing in your body, letting you be vibrationally shifted. Okay, now I'm going to end it. Sending you so much love. See you next time. Now I'm going to end it, sending you so much love. See you next time.

Speaker 1: 28:10

Thanks for listening to this episode of the good, the bad and the sexy. I hope that it served you in some way and, if it did, please reach out to me on Instagram at the good, the bad and the sexy and tell me about it. Also, is there someone in your life who needs to get in on this conversation? I would love it if you would share the show with them. It's so much more fun to talk through these things together. Remember to get your free follow along. Orgasmic alchemy self pleasure audio guide in the show notes below. I look forward to connecting with you again next time. Ciao, for now, you.